Movie Review


Vampires Suck Movie PosterAs spoofs go, Vampires Suck – a The Twilight Saga parody – is on the low end of the scale on which films like Spaceballs dominate. Bathed in a sticky, gooey coating of disposability, the film is like a person trying to hard to be liked, thought funny, and attractive when they are anything but and fall short in those and in a myriad of other categories.

Vampires Suck follows the plot line of Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon while randomly falling from one puerile,  PG-13 comedy bit into the next, the last bit bearing no connection to the next.

The lead actress in the film that plays Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) is far better than this film deserves, a similar situation that occurred with Iain Glen in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider. Proske accurately mimics many of Kristen Stewart‘s mannerisms, idiosyncrasies, and vocal patterns. It is not apparent unless the viewer pays attention to Proske and has seen Stewart’s performances in The Twilight Saga. The viewer may not catch it at first because Vampires Suck is a lackluster comedy (being very kind) but with eyes on Proske, the observation and character study work she did materializes. To a smaller degree, the same can be said of Matt Lanter in certain scenes. In another film, this prep work would be noteworthy – like Cate Blanchett’s in The Aviator – but in Vampires Suck, it’s almost drowned out.

Vampires Suck does have generally funny moments but they are few and far between: Daro (Ken Jeong) mocking Becca, the “eat you” line, the teens and virginity tweet, and a few others. There is also a noteworthy wrestling match that happens in the background of two other characters talking that is well orchestrated.

One of the oddest parts in this film is that the teen roles are played by actors and actresses in their mid-twenties. This problem is not native to Vampires Suck but is still strange, a weird Hollywood code-of-conduct that only Nickelodeon and Fox Family seem to have the gumption to break.  Only the bellicose Twihard team members in the film are actually teens. Isn’t a real teen capable of emoting emotion as well as a twenty-something year old? If I recall properly, two pre-teens (Tatum O’Neal and Anna Paquin) have won Oscars for their performances on film. Has Hollywood forgotten this?

Vampires Suck has a ceaseless flood of puns and gaga, I mean gags, with little substance or permanence. Rarely is hilarity given a proper amount of time to establish itself, let alone a plot or characterization, though none is really expected in this spoof film series. Calling it a franchise may be a misnomer because that word denotes something that makes money and turns a profit. They must be profitable though because they keep receiving financing to be made.

Notwithstanding Proske’s mimicker, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s Vampires Suck does in fact suck but not totally. If the film had been written by better writers and its jokes had been given time to resonate with the  viewer, (e.g. the Wassup?! bit from Scary Movie) the film could have been more than a rental or drinking game fodder.

Rating: 5/10


About the author

Rollo Tomasi

A Political Science and MBA grad who started FilmBook during an eCommerce B-School course in 2008. Cinema and TV addict. Former writer at Empire Movies, Blogcritics, and Alternative Film Guide. In addition to writing for FilmBook, he also edits the copy published on the website, manages its writing staff, manages the back-end operations, site finances, its social network accounts, and works with publicists, actors, and companies on press coverage and promotions. He has also created and Trending

  • Candy

    The most awful film I’ve seen, a couple of lines are alright but I found myself falling asleep after 10 minutes.

  • I had to make myself finish it.

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