6 Things G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA Needs to Succeed

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, the beloved military television series from the 80’s, will be making its live action movie debut soon. When it finally makes its splash onto the big screen, it will be in need of the six agenda items examined below to succeed.  

1. ) Batman Begins quality fight scenes.

Think of the intensity of the fight scene between Bruce Wyane vs. the 6 prisoners, Bruce Wayne vs. Ra’s al Ghul on the frozen lake, and Batman vs. The Four League of Shadows ninjas. I am using Batman Begins as an example but the implication is clear: If G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra‘s fight scenes are not up to “the new standard”, the onscreen altercations might as well as be tea parties. “Always mind your surroundings.” With the presence of Ray Park as Stormshadow, I am sure his fights and stunts will be great but as for the other characters’ fights, who knows. 

2.) Great Story.

It’s G.I Joe. They have hundreds of stories to tell, both from the PG television series or the hardcore comic book. This should be no problem for the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra screenwriters. There is a special threat and this special team preforms an clandestine intervention. Simple. The fact that Paramount felt the need for an origin story is by now an unfortunate Hollywood practice and is of no surprise. Why they chose to add “The Gimmick” code named Delta 6 Accelerator Suits is beyond comprehension. I already discussed it here with my prediction for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Hopefully the D6 Suits will be only be a miniscule part of the overall story and relegated to one action sequence.  

3.) Strong Characterization.

Realistic, strong characters would be of benefit to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra the same way they were for Signs. Shyamalan, in a great scene in an Army recruiter’s office, was able to sum up the past and the current personality of Merrill Hess brilliantly. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will need scenes of this nature and quality for audiences to form a connection with the on-screen characters between action scenes and one-liners. 

4.) Great Dialog.

This is the lubricant of a good film, the backbone being the story itself. If the dialog to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the quality of Mummy 2 or The Scorpion King, flatline adequate, the film will move forward until its credits roll, no more, no less. I do not believe anyone believes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra‘s dialog to be of the quality of Saving Private Ryan or Letters from Iwo Jima but more than flatline adequate would be beneficial.

5.) Badass Musical Score, War Film oriented.

With Alan Silvestri as the composer, there is hope the score will be good, even great if his score for 2007’s Beowulf is any indication. I really hope Paramount Pictures gives Silvestri a wide berth on the score (not commercializing it) because a good score could make a good film great. Look to Conan The Barbarian for an illustration of this. 

6.) Coterminous Baroness/ Scarlett Shower Scene.

When news of scene became known, its presence would become a viral news item, an internet sales point (sex sells) featuring two of the most striking women currently working in film today,  Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols. Such a marketing strategy will never to be utilized because this scene in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra does not exist. If it did, it would have built buzz across forums and message boards alike and would have put more asses in the seats during the film’s first two weeks in theater. If the scene were to exist in a PG-13 film, it would be a very tasteful scene, like the shower scene from Weird Science, but with a boss twist.

The Baroness and Scarlett have just had a physical altercation. They are both back at their respective domiciles. One enters one shower, one enters another. They turn them on. The water hits their hair and they slick it back away from their faces. They both begin thinking of the confrontation they just had with each other that day. Both are pissed off. They both begin washing, soapy water oozing into the drain. Baroness begins humming to herself, Scarlett balls up her fists. In the Baroness’ shower, Scarlett appears like magic. In her own shower, Scarlett begins punching the wall like Todd in Soldier (its 6:59 minutes in) and Oh Dae-su during his imprisonment in Old Boy. Baroness and Scarlett move toward each other like magnets in her shower. Scarlett begins going through various fighting moves in her own shower. Baroness and Scarlett kiss each other softly then begin making out aggressively, just how the Baroness likes it,  in her shower. More punching…by Scarlett.

That was a big digression in Part 6 put you get the point. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra needs edge to succeed, to differentiate itself, not goof, not lame wire work or Kung-Fu Hustle quality special effects. In Valen’s Name, the film’s Elevator Pitch can not be: “We have Delta 6 Accelerator Suits.” Let’s hope that at some point in the film, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra delivers on the properties extraordinary promise. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens August 7, 2009.

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